The BBC Genome entry for 24th December 1973 rather distracted me when I looked at it, as this is the day when Arthur Askey appears on 'Blue Peter' to teach John and Peter how to be Ugly Sisters, whilst Lesley shows us her Prince Charming and Val has a crack at Cinderella.
But with no easy way to take a look at this intriguing production (bar the odd photo that's knocking around), let's instead jump ahead to 9.30 pm where the Steptoes are making their preparations for the festive season.
Harold is on film steering the horse-and-cart down the high street with various people on the pavement gawping shamelessly at the camera, but Albert is on VT doing the sort of colourful paperchains that I remember from around this period.
Frank Thornton is wearing his best Captain Peacock carnation and is none too pleased when Harold enters his domain, which simply seems to be called 'Luxury Travel Agent' judging by the lettering on the door.
But despite appearances, Harold is not here to empty the bins, but to complete the payment on his holiday at the Hotel Miramar. The news that he'll be in the next room to them flusters the posh couple who are also in the shop and they decide to cancel their plans and go to Bournemouth instead. Frank Thornton does not blame them.
Albert decks out the kharzi with the paperchains and leaves some wrapping paper ("A bit shiny, but festive") in case anyone might want to make use of it for their own purposes. Aiming to add a holly wreath, he accidentally drops the nail down the toilet, so leaves the wreath on the seat until he can deal with it, though Harold is soon to have a close encounter with it when he returns home.
Before this, Albert gives the skeleton a paper hat and cigar ("John Gregson!") and unearths the tree, which is looking the worse for wear, but at least it won't shed many needles on the floor.
The one-legged fairy is enjoying her first Common Market Christmas, leading Albert into some memories of the Bad Old Days. Which were, of course, better than things are now.
Harold can be heard screaming from inside the WC and he emerges clutching both his injured rear and the offending holly wreath.
Albert is keen to show off the Santa's Grotto that he has created in the living room, but Harold is thinking about how to tell him about his own plans for Christmas. The list of preparations that Albert goes through is worthy of a military manoeuvre. Turkey, vegetables, puddings, mince pies, crackers, booze; it all has to be sorted out.
But it all comes crashing down when Harold admits that he won't be at home this year. He's fed up with the monotony of the same old routine every year and he can't go through it yet again. Even the presents ("three hankerchiefs and a pair of Y-fronts" / How did you know?!") are entirely predictable and are all over in 30 seconds.
With Harold planning to be away for ten days, the news that he's fixed Albert up with a place at the Old People's Christmas Dinner at the church hall does not compensate. The thought of being able to see the conjuror afterwards does not raise a smile either.
Albert refuses to go as he intends to stay at home on his own, though he will visit Harold's late mother at the cemetery. He'll grudingly pull a cracker with himself on Christmas Day, but will spend most of his time in bed. He pours on more passive emotional blackmail but hands over Harold's present. There are no prizes for guessing what that consists of.
Albert does a little conjuring trick of his own, pulling out a grubby hanky from which drops a small blue bottle of pills. He manages a fake twinge to the heart and a mini-collapse with well-practised skill.
Harold cracks, as he always knew he would, and suddenly Albert is magically much better. With the game having played out in the expected way, Harold will instead splurge his holiday money on the biggest party ever seen in the house.
Come Christmas Eve, the room has been transformed with more tinsel than you can shake a snowy stick at and even Harold is impressed with the effect. He's ordered a huge volume of food and drink, which will be needed given the vast numbers of people now expected to visit. Albert is concerned that their drainpipes will not be able to cope with the subsequent traffic, but Harold is on the case with two chemi-khazis (plus canvas windbreakers) en route.
Albert questions how real the friends are who only bother to turn up for free food. Harold points out the dozens of Christmas cards that they have received, but Albert notes that these only arrived after the invitations went out. Harold's card (involving horse manure - only done as a carboard cut-out, thankfully!) to Albert has apparently been lost in the post, though there is one from the Scrap Metal Association.
There's some discussion over the seating plan at the table and the exact choice of what to use as a punch bowl causes some friction. ("I am not making my fruit sangria in a po!")
But even a small sip of the lethal concoction that is brewed will probably overpower any concerns over its actual presentation.
But next morning, Albert comes downstairs with what seems to be a bad case of chicken pox and a quick flick through the medical dictionary only confirms this. And as this is the season for giving, he's passed it onto his son as well...
The first of the guests arrive, but no-one is keen to come inside when the phrases 'chicken pox' is mentioned via the letter-box.
The visitors beat a swift retreat and Harold paints a yellow warning symbol on the door. The Steptoes are left alone together with a mountain of food to get through and lots of crackers to pull. And a boom microphone lurking above their heads when they get up in a hurry...
When the cracker-pulling gets too violent, Albert ends up with his face in the trifle and it's time for the end credits...
They try a tiny tot of their super-alcoholic potion and pass out over the table, so maybe those guests would have been unconscious after a few minutes anyway...
(Written by Andrew Trowbridge)
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