Round The Archives: My Fete Is Killing Me

My Fete Is Killing Me

Uploading Episode 23 of 'Round The Archives' today reminded me that we've yet to finish watching the first season of 'Pardon My Genie'.

So to try and get myself up to speed, I bunged on the fourth episode, 'My Fete Is Killing Me', which features a turn from none other than 'Dad's Army's Colonel Square, better known as Geoffrey Lumsden

Shown on 1st May 1972, this one opens with the Genie (Hugh Paddick) having a driving lesson under the supervision of his master, Hal Adden (Ellis Jones). OK, so 'Hal Adden' is perhaps not the most subtle name for the owner of a genie, but Bob Block is going for the laughs here.

The Genie is constantly amazed at the wonders of the modern world, thinking that a traffic light is a tall, thin genie with three flashing eyes. Fearing for his master's safety our Genie has turned the suspected threat into a toadstool, but sadly we don't get a shot of that...

The van they are driving is stuffed full of items for the local church jumble sale, along with some pieces for Captain Bamford (Geoffrey Lumsden) from Mr Cobbledick's (Roy Barraclough) ironmonger's shop (36 High Street, Widdimouth), where Hal works. The Genie lives in a watering can, by the way. Thought it better to cover that point now...

Hal wants to take the wheel of the car, which leads to the obvious joke, but the clarification that they should change seats doesn't improve the situation.

Hal is looking for a fork in the road and the Genie is always willing to help out where possible.

The resulting puncture is underlined by one of those comedy 'wa-waah!' noises that annoyed me even when I was a kid. Hal takes no joy in driving and spotting a plane going overhead insists that flying is the only way to travel, in a speech that Chris Bidmead could have written for Tegan in 'Logopolis' Part One.

The Genie is never anything less than literal-minded, so cue some 'ambitious' (that's the kindest word) CSO shots of the van flying over some fields that don't seem to have much to do with the more built-up area they were in a few seconds ago.

The Genie attempts to return them to ground-level, but he's getting on a bit at 4000 years old and his spell does not work. Deciding that asking the Genie for a parachute might not be the best idea, Hal finds an umbrella in the back of the van and is made as light as a feather, or zephyr, if you prefer. The Genie makes himself the size of a mouse and hitches a lift as Hal jumps out of the van. Don't try this at home, kids!

At the jumble sale, Captain Bamford and Constable Appleby (Joe Dunlop) briefly discuss Hal, with the policeman noting that funny things always seem to happen when he is around.

With a whistling of the wind, Hal descends to earth in full view of the constable, but the law is in not mood for a detailed explanation. He gets on his bike and makes a slight hash of pedalling away, but there's no time to do a second take, clearly.

The Genie is in grave danger of falling down Hal's trousers, and the Captain appears with a 'I see...' as Hal adjusts his clothing and talks to his little Genie, if you'll pardon the expression. When the Genie speaks, Hal has to cover for him, claiming that he's an amateur ventriloquist, with a quick 'gottle of gear'...

Hal leaves, with the wriggling Genie making him all ticklish and we get to see the date of the jumble sale is Saturday March 11th, confirming that this is indeed 1972.

Back at Mr Cobbledick's, the Genie is restored to his normal size, but is cross at the bumpiness of his journey, claiming that his master has the gait of a camel. But Hal has got the hump (Bob Block's joke, not mine!) about the loss of the van with all the items.

The Genie sits down to think about the correct spell and turns on the radio. The news headlines include the story of a pilot of a jet airliner who has reported a near collision with a delivery van at 10,000 feet. The pilot is to be grounded for psychiatric examination...

The Genie remembers the spell and brings the van down again, outside the shop.

Mr Cobbledick says they might as well close early after lunch, as everyone will be at the jumble sale anyway.

The policeman enters, asking that they move the van as it is double-parked. Cue another 'wa-waah!' as we see exactly what he means...

Hal orders the genie to transfer the second-hand items to the jumble-sale and the new goods to Captain Bamford's house. You can see where this is going, can't you...

Mr Cobbledick wants an explanation as to how the van got there and he wants the truth. Hal looks straight down the camera lens with the opinion that he can't have both.

Mr Cobbledick wonders if it was the work of the local Hell's Angels and phones for the garage to help.

The Genie claims that everything is now in the right place, but Hal wants to check and insists that the Genie travels in his clothes again, which does not go down too well...

At the jumble sale Miss Hockridge (Joyce Grant) has a wide range of items all a snip at 30p, though that doll looks decidedly sinister to me. Constable Appleby turns up with some goldfish in a bowl, who get a free upgrade to a tank...

Miss Hockridge is impressed with the quality of the latest batch of items, which apparently arrived when she was away, but the Vicar has insisted that everything should be the same price. That lawn roller is surely worth more than 30p in scrap metal alone, though...

Hall arrives and peers through the window, working out how the Genie has got it wrong again. When the coast is clear, Hal orders the Genie back to full side, finding him some inconspicuous clothes to wear. They start to try and sort things out without anyone knowing.

Mr Cobbledick is on lemonade duty served at two-and-a-half pee in some pretty paper cups.

Hal asks the Genie to get Mr Cobbledick away before he sees what's happened. The Genie obliges, although the lady next to Mr Cobbledick doesn't notice his vanishing act, being distracted waving at somebody out of shot...

The Vicar (Carl Bernard) is hot (each to their own!), fanning himself with his straw hat, which gets a good dose of lemonade courtesy of the transported Cobbledick, who was in the act of pouring some out from the jug. Cue 'wa-waah!' number three...

Mr Cobbledick tells Hal off for closing even earlier than he intended, calling him a lazy worker, which understandably does not go down too well.

Captain Bamford mentions to Mr Cobbledick that he's received a collection of weird knick-knacks instead of his expected order and they go off to take a look and enjoy some home-made punch.

Hal is still annoyed with the way Mr Cobbledick spoke to him and says he wishes his boss would take a running jump. The Genie arranges this in the usual way, with Roy Barraclough getting to do a bit of physical comedy.

Hal and the Genie go through the list of items one at a time, sending them to their correct destinations. Captain Bamford leaves to pick his wife up from the hairdressers, leaving Mr Cobbledick to sort out the erroneous items.

The punchbowl and the fishtank swap places first with a rather sickly-looking rubber goldfish being waved about., when Mr Cobbledick refills his tankard and gets more than he bargained for...

'Wa-waah!' number four is the result of Mr Cobbledick failing to notice that he's pushing a manual lawnmower (instead of a pushchair) over the Captain's carpet...

Mr Cobbledick has also put on a raincoat, but this gets swapped with a large roll of chickenwire, which doesn't really suit him, but at least earns him a different comedy musical cue.

Mss Hockridge returns and opens the jumble sale before all the Captain's things have been transported correctly. A fete worse than death, according to Bob Block...

The Vicar picks up a pair of hedgeclippers, with Miss Hockridge commenting that his wide has said he needs a new pair, which is the cue for a bit of 'Carry On' humour.

The Genie manages to swap the remaining items over, much to the surprise of the jumble sale patrons. Hal is mightily impressed, exclaiming 'Blow me down!'. So, of course, that's what the Genie is happy to do, thanks to the Thames Television wind machine...