Father Ted - The Mainland

Father Ted - The Mainland

I like a nice cave, me.

Wookey Hole and Cheddar Caves were exotic places to visit when you grew up in North Dorset and learning that Wookey was the filming location for 'Revenge Of The Cybermen' made it even more attractive. If money (and, I suppose, geology) was no object, I'd love to have a decent cave system at the bottom of the garden, especially in the hotter parts of the summer!

So, when 'Father Ted' visits 'The Mainland', I nodded in agreement at Father Dougal's child-like enthusiasm for a visit to the Very Dark Caves.

The episode opens with Dougal watching 'One Foot In The Grave' but the only thing he can remember about what he's just seen is Richard Wilson's immortal catchphrase, "I don't believe it!"... This may well be a wry observation that when you're writing comedy, most normal people don't pay too much attention to the fine details. It's only nutters like me who overanalyse things!

Ted has to pick up his winnings at the betting shop and Jack needs to go to the opticians. Mrs Doyle is concerned at the amount of crime on the mainland - her friend was stolen the other day.

There's a lovely (if very silly) shot of Dougal with his head out of the car window as they are driving along.

Dougal forgot to have any breakfast and is concerned that he might die.

The optician is amazed that Jack can read every line on her chart, but there might be a very good reason for this.

Jack never seems able to keep hold of his glasses - no-one can work out what happens to them...

The optician switches to a different eye chart in the hope of getting more accurate results.

Ted and Dougal head off to the caves and spot someone very familiar indeed...

Convinced by Dougal that he is definitely doing the right thing, Ted strides up to Richard Wilson and bellows "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!" at the top of his voice.

But Richard doesn't seem to be particularly amused. But surely nobody has ever done that to him before?

Mrs Doyle and her friend Mrs Dineen have demolished a vast amount of tea at the tearooms and get into a fight over who should pay, each insisting that the other should put her money away.

A crow relieves Jack of his new glasses and he mistakenly ends up in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, where his continual cries of "DRINK!!!" evoke much sympathy.

In the caves, Dougal's mind is being expanded as he learns that rocks can be different sizes. Learning that the cave they are in is over 15 million years old, Ted murmurs how he doesn't believe it. Someone on the tour with them doesn't take to kindly to hearing this phrase again.

Escaping up a passage, Ted and Dougal (who is now so hungry he's hallucinating) hear a strange moaning noise. A figure in a white sheet approaches them , revealing himself to be Father Noel Furlong. Judging from Ted and Dougal's reaction, he is at least as scary as a ghost.

Noel's party have been lost in the caves for two days, though an enthusiastic rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' doesn't do much to life everyone's spirits.

Noel's suggestion at holding a Screeching Competition doesn't go down too well, either. But his cries do eventually cause part of the cave roof to collapse.

Trapped under a huge pile of rocks, Noel is not worried, knowing that his group will send for help, though in reality they immediately book some tickets on a flight to Paraguay.

Dougal is shocked to discover that his tank-top has turned into some sort of woman's bra, but this is a blessing in disguise, as a loose thread has snagged on something, giving them a path to follow to escape.

Ted begins to wind the thread in and Dougal shows a rare bit of intelligence, pointing out that they should follow it instead. Ted comes to the end of the thread and shouts a frustrated "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!"... Ted's voice echoes through the caves, and Richard Wilson reacts badly again.

Jack stumbles into a pub and demands a drink, but one of the members of the Alcoholics Anonymous group spots him and tries to show him the error of his ways. Needless to say, this does not end well...

Emerging from the caves, Ted and Dougal tell a disinterested bin man about Noel still being trapped, but the bin lorry drives off without any rescue being organised.

Waiting for some food to arrive, Ted receives a call saying that Mrs Doyle has been arrested, though some carefully-placed sound effects mean we never learn Mrs Doyle's first name.

Jack is also bundled into custody and Dougal is forced to leave, even more hungry...

At the police station, Dougal tries to order something to eat. Freeing Jack and Mrs Doyle will cost £200 and Ted is tending towards making them spend a night in the cells. Dougal tries to tell Ted that his flies are undone, but Ted misunderstands and furiously hands his money over.

Back home, Dougal is stuffing his face and Richard Wilson turns up on his bike, asking for directions. When the door is answered by Father Ted, it is fair to say that Richard Wilson doesn't believe it...

Oh, and back in the Very Dark Caves, Father Noel Furlong is still trapped under his rocks...

(By Andrew Trowbridge)