My Fete Is Killing Me

My Fete Is Killing Me

Uploading Episode 23 of 'Round The Archives' today reminded me that we've yet to finish watching the first season of 'Pardon My Genie'.

So to try and get myself up to speed, I bunged on the fourth episode, 'My Fete Is Killing Me', which features a turn from none other than 'Dad's Army's Colonel Square, better known as Geoffrey Lumsden

Shown on 1st May 1972, this one opens with the Genie (Hugh Paddick) having a driving lesson under the supervision of his master, Hal Adden (Ellis Jones). OK, so 'Hal Adden' is perhaps not the most subtle name for the owner of a genie, but Bob Block is going for the laughs here.

The Genie is constantly amazed at the wonders of the modern world, thinking that a traffic light is a tall, thin genie with three flashing eyes. Fearing for his master's safety our Genie has turned the suspected threat into a toadstool, but sadly we don't get a shot of that...

The van they are driving is stuffed full of items for the local church jumble sale, along with some pieces for Captain Bamford (Geoffrey Lumsden) from Mr Cobbledick's (Roy Barraclough) ironmonger's shop (36 High Street, Widdimouth), where Hal works. The Genie lives in a watering can, by the way. Thought it better to cover that point now...

Hal wants to take the wheel of the car, which leads to the obvious joke, but the clarification that they should change seats doesn't improve the situation.

Hal is looking for a fork in the road and the Genie is always willing to help out where possible.

The resulting puncture is underlined by one of those comedy 'wa-waah!' noises that annoyed me even when I was a kid. Hal takes no joy in driving and spotting a plane going overhead insists that flying is the only way to travel, in a speech that Chris Bidmead could have written for Tegan in 'Logopolis' Part One.

The Genie is never anything less than literal-minded, so cue some 'ambitious' (that's the kindest word) CSO shots of the van flying over some fields that don't seem to have much to do with the more built-up area they were in a few seconds ago.

The Genie attempts to return them to ground-level, but he's getting on a bit at 4000 years old and his spell does not work. Deciding that asking the Genie for a parachute might not be the best idea, Hal finds an umbrella in the back of the van and is made as light as a feather, or zephyr, if you prefer. The Genie makes himself the size of a mouse and hitches a lift as Hal jumps out of the van. Don't try this at home, kids!

At the jumble sale, Captain Bamford and Constable Appleby (Joe Dunlop) briefly discuss Hal, with the policeman noting that funny things always seem to happen when he is around.

With a whistling of the wind, Hal descends to earth in full view of the constable, but the law is in not mood for a detailed explanation. He gets on his bike and makes a slight hash of pedalling away, but there's no time to do a second take, clearly.

The Genie is in grave danger of falling down Hal's trousers, and the Captain appears with a 'I see...' as Hal adjusts his clothing and talks to his little Genie, if you'll pardon the expression. When the Genie speaks, Hal has to cover for him, claiming that he's an amateur ventriloquist, with a quick 'gottle of gear'...

Hal leaves, with the wriggling Genie making him all ticklish and we get to see the date of the jumble sale is Saturday March 11th, confirming that this is indeed 1972.

Back at Mr Cobbledick's, the Genie is restored to his normal size, but is cross at the bumpiness of his journey, claiming that his master has the gait of a camel. But Hal has got the hump (Bob Block's joke, not mine!) about the loss of the van with all the items.

The Genie sits down to think about the correct spell and turns on the radio. The news headlines include the story of a pilot of a jet airliner who has reported a near collision with a delivery van at 10,000 feet. The pilot is to be grounded for psychiatric examination...

The Genie remembers the spell and brings the van down again, outside the shop.

Mr Cobbledick says they might as well close early after lunch, as everyone will be at the jumble sale anyway.

The policeman enters, asking that they move the van as it is double-parked. Cue another 'wa-waah!' as we see exactly what he means...

Hal orders the genie to transfer the second-hand items to the jumble-sale and the new goods to Captain Bamford's house. You can see where this is going, can't you...

Mr Cobbledick wants an explanation as to how the van got there and he wants the truth. Hal looks straight down the camera lens with the opinion that he can't have both.

Mr Cobbledick wonders if it was the work of the local Hell's Angels and phones for the garage to help.

The Genie claims that everything is now in the right place, but Hal wants to check and insists that the Genie travels in his clothes again, which does not go down too well...

At the jumble sale Miss Hockridge (Joyce Grant) has a wide range of items all a snip at 30p, though that doll looks decidedly sinister to me. Constable Appleby turns up with some goldfish in a bowl, who get a free upgrade to a tank...

Miss Hockridge is impressed with the quality of the latest batch of items, which apparently arrived when she was away, but the Vicar has insisted that everything should be the same price. That lawn roller is surely worth more than 30p in scrap metal alone, though...

Hall arrives and peers through the window, working out how the Genie has got it wrong again. When the coast is clear, Hal orders the Genie back to full side, finding him some inconspicuous clothes to wear. They start to try and sort things out without anyone knowing.

Mr Cobbledick is on lemonade duty served at two-and-a-half pee in some pretty paper cups.

Hal asks the Genie to get Mr Cobbledick away before he sees what's happened. The Genie obliges, although the lady next to Mr Cobbledick doesn't notice his vanishing act, being distracted waving at somebody out of shot...

The Vicar (Carl Bernard) is hot (each to their own!), fanning himself with his straw hat, which gets a good dose of lemonade courtesy of the transported Cobbledick, who was in the act of pouring some out from the jug. Cue 'wa-waah!' number three...

Mr Cobbledick tells Hal off for closing even earlier than he intended, calling him a lazy worker, which understandably does not go down too well.

Captain Bamford mentions to Mr Cobbledick that he's received a collection of weird knick-knacks instead of his expected order and they go off to take a look and enjoy some home-made punch.

Hal is still annoyed with the way Mr Cobbledick spoke to him and says he wishes his boss would take a running jump. The Genie arranges this in the usual way, with Roy Barraclough getting to do a bit of physical comedy.

Hal and the Genie go through the list of items one at a time, sending them to their correct destinations. Captain Bamford leaves to pick his wife up from the hairdressers, leaving Mr Cobbledick to sort out the erroneous items.

The punchbowl and the fishtank swap places first with a rather sickly-looking rubber goldfish being waved about., when Mr Cobbledick refills his tankard and gets more than he bargained for...

'Wa-waah!' number four is the result of Mr Cobbledick failing to notice that he's pushing a manual lawnmower (instead of a pushchair) over the Captain's carpet...

Mr Cobbledick has also put on a raincoat, but this gets swapped with a large roll of chickenwire, which doesn't really suit him, but at least earns him a different comedy musical cue.

Mss Hockridge returns and opens the jumble sale before all the Captain's things have been transported correctly. A fete worse than death, according to Bob Block...

The Vicar picks up a pair of hedgeclippers, with Miss Hockridge commenting that his wide has said he needs a new pair, which is the cue for a bit of 'Carry On' humour.

The Genie manages to swap the remaining items over, much to the surprise of the jumble sale patrons. Hal is mightily impressed, exclaiming 'Blow me down!'. So, of course, that's what the Genie is happy to do, thanks to the Thames Television wind machine...

'Pardon My Genie' is available from Network DVD.

(Written by Andrew Trowbridge)

Four Books and Five Rupees

Four Books and Five Rupees

Having very much enjoyed rewatching 'Quatermass And The Pit' recently, we added the three Quatermass script books to our collection.

The edition of 'The Quatermass Experiment' is the 1979 version from Arrow Books, priced at 95p, which thankfully includes the set of production photographs. So, you get a good idea of how the Thing (as it's called) looked when it visited Westminster Abbey.

Script books are not always the easiest things in the world to read but with rarely-seen or missing shows, they are very useful aids to research.

Obviously it would be fascinating to be able to see how the final scenes were pulled off, but I also want to see the bits in Part Four with the spoof 3D sci-fi film 'Planet Of The Dragons', starring Space Lieutenant and Space Girl in their fashionable pressurized Zeider-helmets.

Which when you say it out loud sounds like it's something to do with the Wurzels necking pints of scrumpy...

For 'Quatermass II' and 'Quatermass And The Pit' we tracked down the Penguin Books editions from 1960, priced at a mere two shillings and sixpence.

Again there are photos with captions from the script, with the final image from 'Pit' being the frightening manifestation over the ancient power that has been released at Hob's Lane.

We've also picked up a copy of Graham McCann's 'Spike & Co', which looks at the wonderfully talented pool of writers at Associated London Scripts. Spike Milligan, Eric Sykes, Ray Galton, Alan Simpson, Terry Nation and more besides; people whose work is still entertaining the world over fifty years later.

This book came with an unexpected bonus or two, as the previous owner clearly was in the habit of using bookmarks from whatever came to hand. A £60 wine voucher, which expired after 30 days, was mildly unusual, but was quickly eclipsed by the second item.

For a moment, I honestly though we'd discovered a forgotten five-pound note, but then the light dawned. Included in a book about Spike, who was born in India, was a five-rupee note. I honestly don't know whether it was a mistake, or a piece of sly humour on the part of the seller.

Sadly, 5 rupees works out as about 5 pence with the current exchange rate, but it's gone into our tin of assorted notes and coins, which contains more foreign money than the electricity meter owned by the Steptoes.

Our video about the 'Quatermass' script books and 'Spike & Co' can be seen here.

(By Andrew Trowbridge)

'Requiem For A Street'

'Requiem For A Street'

Nothing is ever forgotten, so they say. But here at RTA Towers, it would be more accurate to say that nothing is ever forgotten, it just gets shoved into our cupboard under the stairs...

Recently emerging into the gloom, has been Issues Two and Three of 'The SFOW Express' - a tapezine from the early days of the Salisbury Local Group of The Doctor Who Appreciation Society. Or if you prefer, the (cough) 'Salisbury Federation Of Whovians'... Don't blame me for that title, I can't say I was that keen on it even in 1986.

With little in the way of equipment to play these tapes on, I can't tell you more than the fact that they definitely contain some episodes of 'Genesis Of The Wogans', the infamous audio play that Warren & I worked on all those years ago.

The cover illustration for Issue Three is, of course, a depiction of The Brig, but Issue Two has a graphic of a Dalek done using various typewriter symbols, which made our talented Art Department (in the form of Martin) grin fondly about this long-forgotten style. Martin's been unearthing his own scrapbooks recently, and used a similar method to label things on some of the pages when he were a lad, relatively speaking.

But thus jogged my memory about the early issues of 'Spectrum', which were all knocked up on a posh electric typewriter than even boasted a floppy disc drive.

'Spectrum - A Story Of Unhappy Families', to give it its full title, was a sort of soap opera created by Paul Chandler (also known as Shy Yeti). Paul wrote a fair number of scripts and we even performed a few of them on tape - I vaguely remember playing Fatima The Fantabulous, who was skilled in the art of reading crystal balls.

This was the early 90s and everyone in 'Doctor Who' fandom seemed to be starting their own fanzine. I'd had a few things published here and there, and althoigh I was interested in writing, I was looking further afield than 'Who'.

So, with Paul's permission, I drew Season One of 'Spectrum' to a close with 'A Fishy Tale'. a story involving jetskis in Poole Harbour and put characters Reg and Stella back on the coach for their homes in Spectrum Street.

I'd got the idea in my head that Spectrum Street was theoretically infinitely long, so any style of story was allowable and if we nicked characters from other populars series, we might pick up a few readers beyond our own Salisbury circle.

Returning home, Reg and Stella find that although they left Dorset in mid-summer, Spectrum Street is in the grip of a harsh winter and there seems to be no-one left alive...

Apart from a mysterious pair who call themselves Radium and Gold...

You can probably guess where this is going now, can't you?

'Sapphire & Steel' was enjoying a bit of a revival of interest with the video releases and a reprinting of the book and it was a show I totally fell in love with, having little memory of it the first time around.

But you know what my sense of humour is like. The more I love something, the more I want to have a laugh with it, so Radium and Gold were...

Well, I think I can quote a bit of my own scribbling here...

GOLD: It's all a bit weird really...

NARRATOR*: See? I told you so!

REG: I'll say - the street deserted and adrift in time with respect to the rest of the world.

RADIUM: Oh no, THAT'S not weird. Pretty routine stuff for us lot, really. What Gold meant was that it's a Thursday.

STELLA: So, what has the day of the week got to do with anything?

GOLD: Well, Sapphire & Steel do Tuesdays and Thursdays.

REG: Oh... What days do you do, then?

GOLD: At the moment, Bank Holidays and alternate Sundays... We're still on the training scheme, you see.

REG: Training scheme?

GOLD: Yes, we're not fully qualified Time Elementals, yet.

STELLA: Oh, I get the picture. We've been sent a couple of YTS** trainees, have we?

GOLD: Pretty much so, yes. Fun, isn't it?

STELLA: I'm not so sure about that... So, what are you going to do? A detailed analysis of the structure of Time within the affected area?

RADIUM: No, I don't think there's any need to go to all that trouble. We'll just mooch about in a generally mysterious and enigmatic manner until something weird happens.

REG: Something weird has already happened.

GOLD: You ain't seen nothing yet, mate.

'Spectrum : Requiem For A Street' was to the grand total of 24 A5-pages and even got a decent review in 'DWB's Fanzine Review column. I was even more surprised and delighted to receive a lovely letter from PJ Hammond saying that he'd enjoyed it after I took my courage in my hands and sent him a copy, being careful to point out that Imitation was the sincerest form of Flattery. And also that the phrases 'Spectrum' and 'Profit-Making' were mutually exclusive.

As with 'Round The Archives' I was lucky enough to have a number of willing writers, happy to provide a script or two. I remember sitting in the Waiting Room at the dentist in Wimborne, jotting down some notes for who was writing what in a notebook, mainly to take my mind off what might be in store for me in the dental saloon.

'DWB' awarded it a cheery 7/10 and looking at it again, that's pretty much what I'd give it, too. Some of the jokes even made me grin again after all this time and it's reminded me that it's about time we covered 'Sapphire & Steel' on 'Round The Archives'...

NARRATOR: It's no good doing a cliffhanger on this piece, you idiot! And that's two-and-six you owe me in royalties!

* Paul's original version of the show had a Narrator who was an integral part of the series, so I was more than happy to renew his contract, despite his tendency to big himself up...

** YTS = Youth Training Scheme. On-the-job )ob (ooer!) training for school-leavers in the 1980s. Radium was in green in contrast to the blue of Sapphire, with Gold wearing a leather jacket with yellow metallic studs, by the way.

(Written by Andrew Trowbridge)

Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

'Action by HAVOC' is one of those credits often quoted by 'Doctor Who' fans of our ancient vintage, but it's not exclusive to the Pertwee stories. 'Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em' relies for its set-piece stunts on their expertise and combined with some inventive work from the Visual Effects department, leads to scene you just wouldn't be allowed to even contemplate filming these days.

We've had the complete series on DVD for a while, but only took the cellophane off it yesterday, so that we could do a video about the second episode, 'George's House' (22nd February 1973).

This one sees Frank battling with the bewildering range of gadgetry in his brother-in-law's modern home and I have some sympathy with his increasing confusion.

Now, I've never got my slippers stuck down the toilet (though I did once leave them in a hotel in Manchester), but I did once temporarily lock myself in the bathroom when staying in Gillingham, Kent.

Inevitably, Frank's attempts to rectify the situation cause a major water leak and this doesn't mix too well with the electronics of the main control room.

But it can be argued that this one is not typical of the series as a whole, so we also had a look at 'Cliffhanger', which opened the second season on 22nd November 1973. As the name implies, this is the one where Frank manages to reverse his car to the edge of a cliff and beyond.

The shots of the coast were familiar to a Dorset boy such as myself and there's a page on the BBC website which tells you a thing or two about the making of this episode. There's even a bit of video with Stuart Fell telling you of what he did to help with the filming, and what he didn't do. even though he was dressed for the occasion...

Our video about 'George's House' can be seen here.

And our video about 'Cliffhanger' can be seen here and the BBC page can be found here.

(Written by Andrew Trowbridge)

Solicitor Grey

New Colour Launched By Wholux!

If YOU have an 18th Century slaver ship that needs a new coat of paint, why not try our fantastic new colour: Solicitor Grey! *

So depressing that your prisoners will gladly sign any contract you put on front of them!

Or try it on the walls of your office! Guaranteed to cause Print Blindness in 8 out of 10 clerks!

Brightens up flooded prison cells! **

Takes the strain out of choosing from all those confusing colours!

Solictior Grey - "You'll have to be more careful, won't you?"

*available in 50 Shades. All of them identical.

**not by much, admittedly...

(Written by Andrew Trowbridge)

Rumours Of Death

Rumours Of Death

We've done videos about randomly chosen episodes of 'Doctor Who' before, of course, but have never tried this approach with other shows. But we know our way around 'Blake's 7' pretty well, so we thought we'd take a punt and see how it worked out.

Series 3 (or C if you prefer) Episode 8 was what came up on the virtual fruit machine which most lists will tell you is 'Rumours Of Death' by Chris Boucher.

However, Miwk Publishing's invaluable book 'Maximum Power!' is brave enough to question the accepted wisdom and claims that Episode 8 (of Series P, apparently) is actually 'The Harvest Of Kairos'. This is due to the fact that their season guide includes episodes such as 'Flesh', 'Zen', 'Strike Attack!' and 'Space Beetles', which don't get mentioned as often as they should.

It's a long time since we did any 'Blake's 7' and I honestly can't remember the last time I sat down in front of 'Rumours Of Death'. I know our friend Nick is very fond of it and he mentions it in Episode Ten of 'Round The Archives' as an example of the very best of 'Blake'.

Shown on Monday 25th February 1980, there were a few other things of note that night, including James Burke's 'Connections' on BBC Two, which also boasted 'Open Government', the very first episode of 'Yes Minister'. If you watch our video, be warned about my attempt at the quickly-abandoned first theme tune...

We won't bang on too much about the episode here, since we'll be repeating what we said last night, but the idea of Avon doing a crash course in art courtesy of 'Paint Along With Nancy' definitely has some comedy mileage.

So there is talk of unfeasibly large aerials, Vinos the Federation Wine Planet, the jarring jumps between film & VT, why VIla's supply of GREEN is going a bit hazy and whether Shrinker's name betrays the fact that he lives in the skirting board.

All in all, the kind of serious technical analysis that you can't find anywhere else!

Thankfully.

(And I've since found the title sequence for 'Heyyy. It's The King!' which made me remember why I'd tried to wipe it from my memory)

Our video about 'Blake's 7 : Rumours Of Death' can be seen here.

PS: Lisa wishes to point out that Tarrant is not wearing a turtle-neck at all!

(By Andrew Trowbridge)